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Tuesday, 1 April 2014

The effect of my man

It's funny but the more I love and respect my man and the more I make way for his leadership in our marriage, the less he has to do to maintain our status quo.

Today we were shopping in the hardware shop for bits and bobs for the house. 

He said he needed drill bits and I patronisingly asking him if he meant he had lost them and was buying more as it was easier.

'No I need a different size'. He said. This was at the till just as we were about to pay.

I looked heaven wards and said, 'You have lots of sizes you have juts lost them, you are being lazy'.

He carried on buying drill bits and then we left the shop.

Outside he asked me to come to him so he could say something quietly to me in the street.

I had no idea he was about to tell me off, I thought he was about to say something about someone in the shop.

'Listen, if you ever embarrass me or patronise me like that again in public, I will put you over my knee, pregnant or not, do you understand?' He said.

I was so taken aback, I hadn't noticed.

I said I was sorry and we walked to the car. At that moment I could have cried. I am not sure why. I felt terrible. I think I didn't expect it and was also embarrassed and saddened by the fact that I had humiliated him

But I was so taken a back by my reaction.  I felt terrible. There was no need to do anything further on his part as I was mortified for upsetting him.

It's amazing really how different things are four years down the line.

It works though and that's what matters.

I love and respect his leadership and I really don't want to ever be one of those women who laugh at their husbands in public.  But it looks like he won't let that happen anyway! 

Monday, 24 March 2014

Am I weird?

I didn't expect to feel like this, when years ago we embarked on this crazy journey. But when my beloved says something like, 'I would never let you walk around with a skirt that short', when we see a woman in a short skirt. Or, 'if you spoke to me like that you would be in trouble', if a friend speaks to her husband disrespectfully,  I feel an enormous pang of love.

All it takes is for his to fluff himself up and put his arm around me protectively and I feel so looked after and appreciated and safe in those huge arms.

It's strange really and something I did not expect to feel.

I really love him and his bossy ways! ;)

Thursday, 20 February 2014

Independent girl no more

I'm currently building up a business with my Dad. A week or so ago I was asked to go to Paris for a trade fair. I know Paris well and am well travelled but gone are the days since I would jet off without my husband.

He said he didn't want me to go. 

It turned out that my father and I decided that it wasn't the best business decision anyway. But I was furious that J didn't support me in going.

He said I was pregnant and used to being looked after so he worries that I would no longer be capable of looking after myself in a foreign  country.

Before marriage I was a very head strong and confident young woman  who ignored anyone who stood in my way if it prevented me from doing something that I wanted to do, even if they carried the voice of reason.

This week I had planned to go away with my two daughters. One is under a year and the other is four.

We planned to drive 5 hours to London, stopping on the way at my great aunt's house,  explore London for three days, then drive 3 hours to Bristol and stay with my family for a few days, leaving Daddy a week to work on an important work project.

Again London is a city I know well and driving Isn't something I worry about.

However something was different this time. I was apprehensive.  I was apprehensive about getting public transport sport with two tiny children and I was apprehensive about driving through an unknown city.

After the first terrible nights sleep with both children shouting all night, I was ready to call it a day and go home.  I was ashamed to admit that I really missed my man.

I missed his loving and protective arms around me and my girls at all times of the day and night

I felt so lonely and vulnerable without him.

The old me was furious with the new me. How pathetic and week. I'm an independent woman who needs no man to look after her. I can do anything,  I'm invisible!

No. None of that is true. I am a needy and vulnerable wife who is nothing without her strong man to lead her out of possible danger.

It's so lovely to be home now but I've been left shaken up. It's so silly. I feel like I've been through an ordeal. I made it 5 days away and drove hundreds of miles. 

I don't think I will be going away without him anytime soon. 

Monday, 10 February 2014

Told off at our daughter's party!

Our lovely first born turned four last week. It was emotional. School is beckoning come September.

I threw a huge party at a hall in town. It was carnival theme and I went a bit crazy. I planned it at Christmas time. With a home made hot dog stand, Daddy dressed as the ring master - Oh how apt! - and pop corn.  It was so much fun and the kids loved it.

I do always get a bit stressed at things like this. I worry that my massive plans won't play out.

My darling man, who is much more of a socializer than a cleaner-upper, spent the time aiming to help but getting distracted.

For what felt like the gazillionth time, I found him chatting to friends instead of helping, I asked him in a very frustrated tone, 'DARLING, will you PLEASE help', then as he was walking away I said to our friends, 'Oh God he always needs chivying along..'

I then turned around to see my man standing a foot above me looking down at me, 'I beg your pardon'. He said.
Aware of an audience I said to him in a slightly mocking tone, 'Sorry darling you are doing a marvelous job'.

He then stood there continuously saying, 'What did you say', and me trying to calm him down. I felt our friends pretend they were busy doing other things.

'Please don't do this in public' I said, in a desperate attempt to calm him down.

He then walked off to carry on cleaning up with me.

I was mortified.

Later I asked him to be careful and that we don't want people to think he is a nasty man. He replied, 'Well if you don't want that response, don't speak to me like that'.

I know he is clamping down on any hormonal tendencies but I think he may have been a little over the top. What do you think?

Wednesday, 29 January 2014

Pregnancy hormones and Dd

I have been really horrible lately.

I blame the poisonous chemical running through my veins - hormones.

It's like PMS on steroids!

I have been angry

I've shouted 

I've stamped my feet

And have been an all round pain in the arse!

My poor husband just hasn't known how to deal with me.

During the last pregnancies he has tried and failed and this time has decided to take decisive action.

He has decided not to stop spanking me but instead has devised a method that he believes will be less dangerous for our new baby.

I'm bent over the sofa, not over his knee and he uses a very stingy spatula! 

He thinks its less impactive than his ginormous hands.

Because it is so stingy it doesn't last very long. But yikes does it chafe!

He is being incredibly dominant and isn't taking anything at all. 

I think it is a good idea in theory but boy do I have to watch my step!

He has told me he wants me to be the perfect example of a submissive wife! We shall see if I can manage that and be pregnant at the same time. I will keep you posted.

Saturday, 18 January 2014

Another parking ticket and he makes a mistake

Last week my darling man informed me that we were in debt.

He takes care of all the money. I don't even know what council tax costs and only just discovered that water and sewage is paid as one bill! I feel ashamed that I know little but every time I ask he tells me that I don't need to worry and that it is taken care of.

Our finances are tricky. He is self employed and earns different amounts of money each month. He gets paid on a daily basis in cash, so it is very tricky to budget. Having said that, he hasn't tried.

A few months ago our baby was in hospital with pneumonia. God Bless the NHS! - It cost us nothing and the care was exquisite as it always is with kids.  The problem was that we both stayed by her bedside for a week and didn't go to work. Neither of us get sick pay so we lost £500 in lost earning, plus the cost of eating at the canteen every day (we did get free tea, coffee and toast thanks to the lovely British tax payers and our baby was fed for free).

I knew that we were now into our overdraft, so I emptied my savings of what little I had to pay for the loss but it barely touched it.

Then came Christmas and birthdays and an extravagant and generous husband taking us out for lunch and coffee. Then last week he told me that we were in debt. A lot of it. £2500.

I couldn't believe it. I really had no idea. I knew work was tight over January but when I asked he just told me we had to be careful.

He sold something of his which was very precious and irreplaceable to cover most of it. And it was so sad to watch him do that. It was like he was punishing himself. I was very upset to see him do it. And he didn't tell me until it was gone.

It feels like I have been kept in the dark about a lot of this. He is very low over the whole thing and it is hard to see. He hasn't really talked about it. He is hiding away from me and seems to be crumbling.

Then came the parking ticket last week, which he still hasn't dealt with.

Then yesterday I got another one!

I can't believe it! I actually haven't ever had a parking ticket in the last ten years, but now I have got two in one week :(

I got back from a meeting and told him. He went mental at me, in front of the kids which is rare. He really told me off.  Which is the normal circumstances would be right and I would have said sorry and accepted the inevitable. But it was so hard to hear when I felt he had really let me down.

I was in a stinking mood yesterday. I hid myself away in my room and worked on my business. I couldn't dissociate the two actions, me forgiving him for his financial catastrophe and him spanking me for wasting £65 on parking fines.

I got some great advice from other Dd women and have now come to the following conclusions.

1) He is low and feels he has really let us down, by me removing consent and disallowing him from spanking me I am only going to increase those feelings.

2) He is in charge and I need to respect that. I need to remind him that I forgive him and respect him.

3) Two wrongs don't make a right. Me not being spanked for one thing doesn't make his debt any better and they are two separate issues.

So It has taken me a few days to get myself out of this horrible mood but I am finally ready to face the music and talk to him.

I shall keep you posted.

Tuesday, 14 January 2014

I am back!


I can't say how much I have missed my blog.

I decided to take it down for a while after my sister found it, just to let the dust settle a little.

But I have missed it so much.

Thank you to all of you who went me emails asking where I had gone and for the lovely blogger who even wrote a post about me.  It just shows how many lurkers we have out there!

Well life is pretty much the same around here.  Two kids and one more on the way!

Today I had a majorly bad morning!

It was the first really icy morning. It was so icy here in Southern UK that the inside and outside of my car was iced up. So my normally tight schedule on a Tuesday morning in getting my eldest to preschool and managing to start teaching my class by 9.15 was even tighter this morning.

I rushed to work after deicing my car and getting to and from preschool. I was ten minutes late and so missed a space in the staff car park. I raced to the next car park which is only 50p for the day, didn't want to waste time putting a ticket on my car. Ran to my lesson only to find I was having a lesson observation!

I went into perfect teacher mode flawlessly.

After I left work I found I had a blinking parking ticket!

Seriously the odds were so tiny. It is a car park which is barely a car park at all. It isn't even tarmacked and very far away from town. But there it was nevertheless in it's stupid yellow plastic bag, sat on my windscreen.

'£30 down out of the family finances', or so my husband put it!

So determined to not let my pregnancy prevent him from leading our household in the normal way, my beloved has informed me that he is gonna spank me for it!

I know it won't exactly be standard as he is worried about it affecting our baby, but I think he needs to feel he still has the tools under his belt to do what needs to be done in our house.

I told him that £30 fine from the council is punishment enough, but he didn't agree! Darn it.

Anyway, it is really lovely to be back and blogging again.

I won't be adding quite so many details as before, knowing that my sister is likely to read it, as quite frankly that would be weird!